Mother

She held my hand , looked right into my eyes with the look of a child first time realizing that one day she would have to step out to a whole new world , where iniquity and treachery prevail in every corner, where she would have to carry out the responsibility of what they claimed to be “adulthood”. And with that very look of a child losing something so precious to her life , she said:” Stay with me , be my little girl , don’t go . I don’t want you to throw yourself out there and let them torture you until you can”t even realize that you’re still breathing. Stay , I can give you everything , from houses to money, from jewelries to every one of the most common luxuries of life. I can even give you love , the unquestioning love you can’t find nowhere but in my heart . Stay , child ! You know how fearful loneliness is? Yes , fearful ,dear , I didn’t exaggerate my fear of seeing you saying goodbye to me and this little town . I’m afraid of seeing you growing out of the age when you still need the warmth embrace of my arms ; I’m afraid of losing my only reason for facing against all the difficulties of  life ; I’m afraid of being put aside to that dark corner inside your heart which you would gradually forget about its existence; I’m afraid of many things, the things that only by being a mother can you understand! Stay ,child , don’t you see how that life out there will treat you ?” She looked at me , literally begging me to have a second thought on my peremptory decision . There was hope in her eyes, those very eyes that had been watching me stepping , smiling and miserably crying . But that cursory hope was preponderantly overwhelmed by great despair and a very tiny amount of resentment . The usual warmth of her hands increased , and it had absolutely no intention of  stopping until it had implicitly lit in my soul a very small fire of regret and fear.

In that very moment , my mind bewildered , my heart ached, and my hands trembled. Throughout my childhood, besides a sea of love and  a sky of sympathy , i had never seen her despair. Even when my father’s business collapsed , and the whole relatives turned their backs against my mother , i had never seen her struggling with pain. Inside that body of average height , behind that shining smile laid the heart of a fearless woman. I had never had the slightest thought that someday she would showed me her sadness and her worries. She never let me expose myself to any of  the traps entangled there in this dangerous society,  and yet she never let anyone hurt me . She protected me by everything she had and  with her indefatigable love, but she would never let me withdraw from any of my itineraries. She picked up all the hatred on my way, instead she gave me courage and endless determination .” My mother , my mother ” I whispered. I wasn’t able to find any appropriate words , remaining dumbstruck in front of her . That look from her eyes succeeded in bringing  tears to my eyes, and it had succeeded in urging me to plead out all the cruel words i could possibly think of to stop her from  convincing me. I said , with an unbelievably cold and apathetic voice : ” what do you think ? I don’t want to bury my future in this obsolete town. You think i just wanna be what you are right now ? Then you’re dead wrong . My ambition goes far beyond that mundane purpose of yours. I wanna be rich , i wanna play the game of my life , not just sitting home and waiting for anything to be handed to me on place .” I raised my voice : ” I must go , I insist that . Only by leaving this place can i achieve my pursuit of success. And yes , i will build you houses ,at least a villa or even two . Wait until I get extremely rich, i will come back . Nothing but wealth would satisfy my thirst for fame and prosperity. ”

She remained silent . She knew me ,therefore she wouldn’t have been surprised by these words. I had been telling her this dream ever since i could realize what money meant. Money could save lives, could give you high social position, and would do no harm to your life . An old saying went like this :” Money is the root of all evils.” However , I never had any intention of taking into serious consideration such an saying. I am , indeed, wholly wrapped in the illusion of becoming wealthy and stepping into the upper class without any hesitation or embarrassment . And in my mind , only by money can I show my deepest gratitude towards my parents.    ” Who doesn’t like money “?

My mother knew where my weakness laid . If i ever showed her my confusion , she would grasp the opportunity and urge me to change my mind. None of my  friends , or acquaintances , could  ever posses such a  power over me. In front of her , I chose to conceal myself , leaving her broken-hearted whatsoever.

I saw my mother’s fear. I could understand why she became so fragile when speaking of me . I’m her only daughter , the daughter she had put all her life taking care of .

I hugged her , then walking upstairs to my room, leaving her behind with my refusal to take her words. She didn’t know , and i would never let her , how hard i cried in my secret shelter after the conversation. I had no other choice but to confess, my love for her couldn’t win over the most primitive characteristics of human beings inside me –  curiosity. There was a whole new world waiting for me out there . The world i had always dreamed to subdue. It is calling ,while my mother is staying behind. Ironically , i choose to take a step forward . And therefore  I choose to  keep these miserable and humble thoughts from her . The unspoken words remain unspoken , and my dreams remain a place where her little daughter will never exist……

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