That girl

If anyone ever approached me with the unexpected question : ” What would you like to be ? ” I would answer with absolute no hesitation that I’d love to be me – in the old days ,the naive girl with that shining smile, the girl with that fearless characteristic I could never find in myself now; the girl who possessed absolute belief that one day she would subdue the world with her majestically embellished ship, travelling through every mystic ocean and set her foot on all hidden islands. That girl lived her life with no jealousy ; she enjoyed being herself , yet resented shyness and loneliness as well; she loved climbing trees and discovering new lands;she fought with those whom she claimed to be gangsters , and once in a blue moon she even cried in her utmost voice. That girl, I remembered ,was like the captain of her life ,depending on no one to gain alacrity or freedom . The scent of complacency occupied no space in her heart, in which existed the permanent fire of hope, love and dream.

How long ago since the last time I saw her smile ? Ten years , one hundred years , or one billion years ? I don’t know. Out of a sudden , She disappeared , leaving me behind with fear and bewilderment. She’d gone , bringing with her my childhood away. She propelled me to obliviously take a step forward into my adulthood , until I acquired recognition of her absence , I’d traveled too far to even look back.

They said that everything would change eventually , no matter how painstakingly you work to cling to the presence.That girl, she took into consideration none of what they indicated to be universally acknowledged ,but me , I believed and obeyed unquestioningly with their statement. 

“Why ?” She asked….

“Fear and obsession ” I answered…..

Have you ever heard the tale of the butterfly dream ? That girl , she dreamed to become the most beautiful butterfly, to stay anomalous ,and above all, to spread her wings as wide as possible so that people could admire her exquisite patterns. She wished to stretch her fingers to catch all the bruises, pain ,and sorrow ,in the meantime , hoping that happiness would arrive one day. In contrast , the butterfly I prayed to be should be grey ,whereby I could easily find myself a secret shelter to hide away from imagined danger.

One may ask :” Do I feel desperate ,resenting her for being so overwhelming and compelling over my desire for solitude ?” Then one should keep in my : ” Why should I ?” Gratitude, in fact , would be an understatement for my feeling towards her. When I fell , She pulled me up , encouraging me to stay hardcore on that journey searching for miracle. When I kept my eyes close to be ensured that the world out there wouldn’t turn my shelter into that stormy sea where my pitiful boat was shaking because of endless wind and fearful tides, she told me to stick my tongue out and try to taste that precious sweetness of this incredible world, to undergo that bitterness of failure,and I would be able to catch that very image of how this life could embrace my soul.

“Dear” She whispered “sing your own song,dance your own style and live your own spirit ! That girl in the mirror deserves to be set free ….”

And now she’s gone, instead nightmares and persecution take control of every of my empty night. And there in that dark corner laid the nebulous vestige of her smile ……

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Love

“What is love ? What does it taste like ?”

No one ever told me what love meant to a person. But I did read stories , those romantic and touching stories, and i did watch movies , with many handsome gentlemen and graceful ladies acting preposterously . From those invaluable sources of information (according to my own opinion ) ,  I acquire that love is something intangible. It can’t be touched ,it can’t be seen ,and it can’t be thoroughly mastered by any professionals or experts or even psychologists; however , it can significantly create in your soul a remarkable upheaval of emotions and extreme feelings. Sometimes , it’s more simple than the most simple thing ever – it makes your heart skip a beat.I have always tried to reach the definition of love ,and in all my unrealistic dreams, i imagined, when you find what they consider ” true love ” , you will finally taste the kind of sweetness you can barely find in your childhood candies , or even in the sweetest thing ever in this galaxy – sugar. That kind of sweetness , diffusing into your heart just like the way the small stream silently running through the woods, would bring you smile ,give you shyness , and send you the most abstract feeling in the world -happiness. When you see “love”, I imagine , it would be like the first time you see snow with your eyes wide open and your lips trembling  because of  the bitterness of winter, touching the incredible feeling of softness and freshness. The eternal purity of snow from the very beginning of the season – Yes , that’s how love touches my heart.On the other hand, love may inevitably bring you tears. Not the kind of tears you would find anywhere in your memory, not the kind of tears that can be comforted by just some weird jokes , not the kind of tears that can be pacified by the warmth of one’s embrace, not the kind of tears that can be wiped out and easily forgotten by ordinary tissues. Tears of love encompass pain and sorrow. They have the power of giving your eyes the melancholy of flowers that are devoid of sunshine, or the despair of a child desperately left behind in a dilapidated orphanage….

But , is that love ? 

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” The most distant way in the world  

   is not the distance across us

   It is when we are breaking through the way

   We deny the existence of love “

                 _ Tagore_ 

Mother

She held my hand , looked right into my eyes with the look of a child first time realizing that one day she would have to step out to a whole new world , where iniquity and treachery prevail in every corner, where she would have to carry out the responsibility of what they claimed to be “adulthood”. And with that very look of a child losing something so precious to her life , she said:” Stay with me , be my little girl , don’t go . I don’t want you to throw yourself out there and let them torture you until you can”t even realize that you’re still breathing. Stay , I can give you everything , from houses to money, from jewelries to every one of the most common luxuries of life. I can even give you love , the unquestioning love you can’t find nowhere but in my heart . Stay , child ! You know how fearful loneliness is? Yes , fearful ,dear , I didn’t exaggerate my fear of seeing you saying goodbye to me and this little town . I’m afraid of seeing you growing out of the age when you still need the warmth embrace of my arms ; I’m afraid of losing my only reason for facing against all the difficulties of  life ; I’m afraid of being put aside to that dark corner inside your heart which you would gradually forget about its existence; I’m afraid of many things, the things that only by being a mother can you understand! Stay ,child , don’t you see how that life out there will treat you ?” She looked at me , literally begging me to have a second thought on my peremptory decision . There was hope in her eyes, those very eyes that had been watching me stepping , smiling and miserably crying . But that cursory hope was preponderantly overwhelmed by great despair and a very tiny amount of resentment . The usual warmth of her hands increased , and it had absolutely no intention of  stopping until it had implicitly lit in my soul a very small fire of regret and fear.

In that very moment , my mind bewildered , my heart ached, and my hands trembled. Throughout my childhood, besides a sea of love and  a sky of sympathy , i had never seen her despair. Even when my father’s business collapsed , and the whole relatives turned their backs against my mother , i had never seen her struggling with pain. Inside that body of average height , behind that shining smile laid the heart of a fearless woman. I had never had the slightest thought that someday she would showed me her sadness and her worries. She never let me expose myself to any of  the traps entangled there in this dangerous society,  and yet she never let anyone hurt me . She protected me by everything she had and  with her indefatigable love, but she would never let me withdraw from any of my itineraries. She picked up all the hatred on my way, instead she gave me courage and endless determination .” My mother , my mother ” I whispered. I wasn’t able to find any appropriate words , remaining dumbstruck in front of her . That look from her eyes succeeded in bringing  tears to my eyes, and it had succeeded in urging me to plead out all the cruel words i could possibly think of to stop her from  convincing me. I said , with an unbelievably cold and apathetic voice : ” what do you think ? I don’t want to bury my future in this obsolete town. You think i just wanna be what you are right now ? Then you’re dead wrong . My ambition goes far beyond that mundane purpose of yours. I wanna be rich , i wanna play the game of my life , not just sitting home and waiting for anything to be handed to me on place .” I raised my voice : ” I must go , I insist that . Only by leaving this place can i achieve my pursuit of success. And yes , i will build you houses ,at least a villa or even two . Wait until I get extremely rich, i will come back . Nothing but wealth would satisfy my thirst for fame and prosperity. ”

She remained silent . She knew me ,therefore she wouldn’t have been surprised by these words. I had been telling her this dream ever since i could realize what money meant. Money could save lives, could give you high social position, and would do no harm to your life . An old saying went like this :” Money is the root of all evils.” However , I never had any intention of taking into serious consideration such an saying. I am , indeed, wholly wrapped in the illusion of becoming wealthy and stepping into the upper class without any hesitation or embarrassment . And in my mind , only by money can I show my deepest gratitude towards my parents.    ” Who doesn’t like money “?

My mother knew where my weakness laid . If i ever showed her my confusion , she would grasp the opportunity and urge me to change my mind. None of my  friends , or acquaintances , could  ever posses such a  power over me. In front of her , I chose to conceal myself , leaving her broken-hearted whatsoever.

I saw my mother’s fear. I could understand why she became so fragile when speaking of me . I’m her only daughter , the daughter she had put all her life taking care of .

I hugged her , then walking upstairs to my room, leaving her behind with my refusal to take her words. She didn’t know , and i would never let her , how hard i cried in my secret shelter after the conversation. I had no other choice but to confess, my love for her couldn’t win over the most primitive characteristics of human beings inside me –  curiosity. There was a whole new world waiting for me out there . The world i had always dreamed to subdue. It is calling ,while my mother is staying behind. Ironically , i choose to take a step forward . And therefore  I choose to  keep these miserable and humble thoughts from her . The unspoken words remain unspoken , and my dreams remain a place where her little daughter will never exist……

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Random……..

Today,i start writing this blog , embarking on the journey to find my own way of acquiring the true meaning of life . Should i start with some review for books , in some of which i have found what is known as ” the wisdom of human beings ” ? Aw, my mind wanders again.Okay now back to the main point . Let me dig back what has motivated me to go on such an journey. Music i said ? Or is it just the mere intention of  proving to myself ( and other people you may think ) that i can actually write. In retrospect, this blog serves simply as an incentive for me to achieve the pursuit of complacency. Lately i have unintentionally read an article in a newspaper ” what is happiness ?” That ‘s still quite a sophisticated question.It is said that the journey to happiness of humankind has originated very long time ago. Satisfaction is within the reach of an ordinary person , yet he fails to remain cognitive  of his invaluable possession and instead constantly searches for something considered to be more meaningful , or in other words, something “big ” . The same case for me this time. The ambivalence which i find myself struggling with has taken root deep inside my soul. The world keeps spinning , the birds keep singing , and i keep asking for more. There were times when i wanted to treat myself to a thorough relaxation , to give myself the tranquil of mind , to look at the world through the underside of a glass bottomed boat  and thus gaining more profound insights into my dream-to-be.My dreams vary distinctively through different periods of time and under a variety of forms. There were times when i lifted my hands and prayed to be that person who, with her innate ability, would bring peace to the world and rescue the poor from abject poverty; there were times when i dreamed of becoming a ballet dancer who could  dance her own dances with her self-written classical melodies; there were also times when i wished to silently disappear under a sudden rain on a lonely summer day , thus escaping all the responsibility of an exemplary child,the crisis of life , or in fact  the complicated  yet highly artificial society i’m dwelling myself into. I like giving myself questions; however, i have never truly brought about any proper answers.It’s difficult to realize your self-worth in the environment where you cant even raise your voice and be anomalous. They said :’ Don’t be a coward, don’t be afraid, live your life as vividly and joyfully as if you had been born to taste the sweetness of this easily crumbled world. ” I did try ,indeed, but ended up giving myself every reason to withdraw from the initial itinerary. Plans have been set , but my mind has not been ready to take up and face up against the harshness and entanglement presented out there. The trip to find the happiness of my life is deterred by my own procrastination as well as my deepest fear of being exposed to reality.     

"Is that ship built for my voyage ?"

“Was that ship built for my voyage ?”

     There was once when i read a story about  the journey of a band of rabbits setting out on their trip to the new land , where they can enjoy the invariably available source of food and live an unconcerned life with alacrity . They left their homeland with almost absolute no regret , or maybe deep down in their little hearts lies a very tiny amount of nostalgia. They started the trip even before the sun shed its very first light on the grasslands of the majestic yet mystic valley. They encountered many exotic creatures they had never seen ,or even heard of , before. Every river they saw was bigger than that of their country ;every current of the rivers was fiercer , but it was without doubt that all the foreign lands they’d undergone didn’t embrace them like they had expected , and none of the many creatures they saw opened their arms to welcome them into their home .That is almost the first half of the book , which takes more than 245 pages talking about the rabbits’ bewilderment and utmost derangement for their unforeseeable future.Ironically,i found myself in the sketchy image of the rabbits  . I found myself lost in the obscurity of the thick fog in front of me. It feels like i’m covered by persecution coming from the world out there. I’m afraid of trying , of  seeing and most miserably , of being. Life is tiresome. T he dark of night gives me a scent of ominousness. The brightness of the day gives me no shelve to hide from the public eye. Scare , that is the only word exists in my mind right now . And still , i can’t get it out of my head……..